Bath salts, bible beaters & naked zombies

Signs of the apocalypse or the next drug epidemic?

Here we go again—yet another naked zombie attack in Florida. This time, the cannibal action happened in St. Augustine. The scary thing is, it barely made headlines, unlike the first reported zombie attack that took place in May when bible thumping Rudy Eugene, aka “the Causeway Cannibal,” chewed off the face of an elderly homeless man on the MacArthur Causeway.

The violent rampages are becoming so common that they’re no longer making national news.

Early Saturday morning, police responded to a call that a man had trashed a family’s patio furniture and was raising hell on their roof—butt naked. When the homeowner and his son tried to restrain 22-year-old Jeremiah Haughee, he escaped their grasp and ran inside their house. Once inside, Haughee went full demonic on them, peeing on the floor before taking a huge bite out of the homeowner’s stomach, resulting in a severe, permanently disfiguring injury.

Once the police arrived, it took five of them to restrain the naked cannibal—ewww, who would want to even touch his urine-covered a&%. Despite being handcuffed, shackled and tasered multiple times, Haughee continued to put up a fight, biting a police officer’s leg and subsequently getting a hood thrown over his head. The man was finally knocked out when the police shot him up with a tranquilizer.

The reports and bizarre sightings are increasing exponentially, and the world is taking notice. What is giving these creatures the license to unleash their inner zombie? Is it bath salts or some other strength-enhancing hallucinogen? Or is it truly the advent of a zombie epidemic? This latest cannibalistic attack brings to light some qualities that all the culprits seem to share:

Superhuman strength and stamina
A propensity for nudity
An uncontrollable hankering for flesh
A lack of respect for authority

As the violent rampages by man-eating strippers multiply in number, we’ve got to wonder, are the apocalyptic predictions coming true or is this just a case of self-fulfilling prophecy? Are we facing another drug epidemic like the surge of crack cocaine during the 80s, but with more brutally violent side effects? Time will tell, but in the meantime, I’m stockpiling my safe house with Twinkies, grenade launchers and submachine uzis.

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