Apocalypse beauty tips
30 Apr 2013
Let’s say the world as we know it is over. We no longer have our Maseratis, beach condos and yachts and we’re living the life of a piranha. One day you’re chilling with your man and he pisses you off, so you behead him with a machete and cook him for dinner. You were comfortable and secure since you had a partner by your side, so looks weren’t a priority. Now you’re single and ready to mingle, but instead of looking like the perfect girl, you look like Chewbacca. How’s a girl gonna get her swerve back on?
Something they definitely don’t talk about in post apocalyptic books is how to keep your looks once that world-ending catastrophic event hits. We all know that when we look good, we feel good. But with very few tools and little to no luxuries, how can someone make the most of their natural assets?
Let’s start with our crowning glory—there’ll be no flatirons, blow dryers or styling aids. If you’re not down to chop it all off, I suggest stockpiling baby powder for a little double duty as dry shampoo and deodorizer. Obviously, you’ll jump in any non-radioactive body of water you find, and learn how to finger style your hair. You can work the Heidi look with some cute, funky braids—guys loves them. After a few days, when you’re ready for a new look, take them out and get your afro on—the smaller the braids, the tighter the waves. When it needs conditioning, throw whatever oil you can get your hands on or egg whites if there is a surplus.
Skincare—you won’t be winning any post-apocalyptic pageants when you smell like poo and are covered in acne. You’re going to have to get real old school and make your own soap. They made soap back in Babylon, so it’s got to be easy to do. The Celts made soap from animal fat, ash and plant stuff, and the Romans used olive oil. The next time you slaughter your dinner, make sure to boil off some of the fat, mix it with ash from the fire, throw any herbs you can get your hands on for little scent and you’re good to go. For moisturizer, mix a little water with animal lard from your beastly meal, apply it to your face at night and your skin will be smooth as a baby’s bum by morning.
Makeup—Minimal is really the way to go, but if you need a little glamour in the post-apocalypse world, there are a few things you can do to maximize your natural beauty. Get your Cleopatra on with a little charcoal mixed with candle wax (or beeswax if that’s all you can find) for makeshift eyeliner. If you’re near an ocean, search for a jellyfish. Their venom makes a great lip plumper.
Nails—I hate to break it to you, but you’ll have to cut those babies all the way down. If you’re lucky, you’ll have a pair of clippers and a nail file. It’s not even remotely realistic to think that we can have have pretty nails—moderately well-kempt is the best we can hope for. You never hear about humans fighting off zombies with talon-like gel nails.
Bottom line—If you ever find yourself on a solo mission post-apocalypse, let’s hope you’ve got a really great personality and a nice smile.
